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Joan Rivers Quotes; 14 Funniest Quotes and Jokes

12:33 AM Daniel's Chronicle 6 Comments

Joan Rivers, who passed away at the age of 81 Thursday, made us laugh for decades, below are some of her words.
Joan Rivers Quotes

1.Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.


2.I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Things are happening.

3.I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.


4.I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

5.Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

6.I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

7.My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.


8.I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.

9.I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?

10.Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

11.Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

12.Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore.

13. I'm angry that libraries have gone.

14.I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

6 comments:

  1. Nice posting this quotes and I liked the number one. It caught my attention at once.

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  2. This made my day! number 8 is true most of the time hahaha :)

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  3. She really made the most of her life. She's very witty with her quotes.

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  4. Now I'm pumped up ;) The number one and seven is my favorite!

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  5. I saw some of the episodes of "Fashion Police". She`s a comedian.

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  6. Shes a big loss to the industry and she will be missed.

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